“Confessions of a Sociopath: A Life Spent Hiding In Plain Sight”, written under the pseudonym M. E. Thomas, is a gripping insight into the mind of a self-confessed predator.
Imagine a mental disorder for which there was no cure. One that allows the perpetrator to insert themselves into the lives of others to wreak as much havoc as they can and rarely, suffer any form of punishment themselves. We are, of course, talking about sociopaths.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) diagnosis of Anti-Social Personality Disorders such as Sociopathy lists impulsivity, deceitfulness, aggression, recklessness, egocentrism, and complete disregard for right and wrong as just some of the character traits of a sociopath. Many sociopaths are non-criminal but they still have the capacity to unleash long-term damage within society.
Sociopaths also don’t “look” evil. They blend in with the rest of society so quite often, victims of their wicked games are already in too deep before they realize who they are truly in the company of. These are some of the most common tricks and techniques sociopaths use to control you.
***article contains Amazon affiliate links***
10. Love Bombing
The first step a sociopath needs to take in order to successfully gain control of your life is to win your heart. One technique they use to trap you early on in the relationship is “love-bombing.” Within a few weeks, you will hear how you’re “soul mates” and “made for each other.” For many of us, hearing such wonderful things is a dream come true, after all, who doesn’t want to be adored? Sadly, the reality is you are now part of their initial grooming process.
Those who have suffered from abusive relationships in the past or have low self-esteem make ‘perfect’ love-bombing victims. Sociopaths seek out the vulnerable and exploit this for their long-term gain. Now the vulnerable victim is emotionally dependent on the sociopath, they are in a weaker position where they will do anything to continue receiving their love and affection.
Therapist Perpetua Neo explained, “They love bomb and then they devalue you, so you’re always on high alert and you never want to do anything wrong. Because of that your standards are lowering, your boundaries are getting pinched upon, and you lose your sense of self.”
9. Extreme Imitation
Sociopaths are charming, confident and socially intelligent individuals – at least on the surface. This is all part of their superficial charm which allows them to move from person-to-person with a chameleon-like effect; winning over everyone they come into contact with.
Extreme imitation is how they will initially trick you into believing they are “The One”. All of a sudden this person is in your life who likes the same music, books, films and hobbies as you. They also had a similar upbringing to yours and – who would have guessed – traveled to the same places too. Of course, it’s all part of the end game. Sociopaths are incapable of revealing who they truly are so instead they mirror whoever they are attempting to get close to. Think “Single White Female” creepy vibes.
Psychiatrist Dr. Laura Dabney warns, “They’re putting up a front of getting along, or they’re loving even, but they really don’t have that sense of love. But, at some point, they may seem fake, or like they’re overdoing it. They imitate it to an extreme.”
8. Intermittent Reinforcement
One of the most anxiety-inducing tricks a sociopath can use on a potential victim is Intermittent Reinforcement. Once the initial love-bombing phase is complete, the sociopath will begin to pull away and appear to have gone cold. This is the beginning of the devolution stage.
If you imagine you are in a casino with a pot of coins. First, you start to win big whilst spinning the wheels on the machine and you get a huge hit of dopamine. Then, you don’t win for the next few pulls of the lever – already, your brain is desperate to chase that previous high you had felt. So, you continue to put more and more coins in the machine, in the hope that your initial winning streak will return.
This is the exact same trick sociopaths use so you become addicted to their attention; whether it be good or bad. Adelyn Birch, the author of “Psychopaths and Love”, explains, “The more infrequently the crumbs of love are offered, the more hooked you get. You become conditioned, like a rat in a laboratory cage.”
7. Gaslighting
In 1944, Ingrid Bergman starred in the film “Gaslight” about a woman whose husband is slowly manipulating her into believing she is going insane. Her husband alters small things in her environment and when she points this out, he insists she is mistaken.
The very definition of Gaslighting is when “information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favour the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity.”
When a sociopath is called out for something they did wrong, they will then try to make the victim believe they are “overreacting” and that it’s all in their head. This is textbook sociopathic behaviour and beacuse it is such a subtle form of manipulation, it is often incredibly hard to prove.
Aimee Harstein, a licensed clinical social worker, explains, “Victims are often feel confused and crazy. They doubt themselves or wonder if they are overly-sensitive. Victims often over-apologize and have an inability to make decisions. In addition, they may lie to friends and family about the perpetrator’s behaviour or make excuses.”
The key to winning in the mentally-destructive game of Gaslighting is to completely trust in your own judgment and walk away.
6. Pathological Lying
Sociopaths are masters of deceitfulness. This is because they are driven entirely by ego rather than logic, so any lie that inflates or protects the ego is therefore, in their mind, worth telling.
In the book “Confessions of A Sociopath”, the author (who does not reveal her real name and instead uses the pseudonym M. E. Thomas) writes, “A sociopath will reveal ‘personal’ details about himself strategically, i.e., for the purposes of misdirection or a false sense of intimacy or trust. Revelations of actual truths are very rare and may be perceived as a small slip of the mask.”
Adding, “I don’t like people knowing things about me because it means more things for me to remember that I can’t lie about (or more lies to keep track of if I evade the truth).”
One way to disarm a sociopath is to limit their story-telling capabilities. If you think they are going to tell you yet another elaborate pack of lies – ask questions where the answer can only be “yes” or “no”.
5. Blame Shifting
Blame shifting is one of the oldest tricks in the sociopath’s book. When a sociopath is caught cheating; they will convince the partner it’s because they weren’t showing them enough affection. When a sociopath is fired from a job; that’s because their colleagues were all conspiring against them.
Those who have fallen victim to a sociopath will often believe they are the ones who are truly at fault. Unfortunately, this is because it’s easier for the victim to believe they are in the wrong rather than face the harsh reality that someone they genuinely trust and love is capable of deviously crafting such a scheme to make them feel bad.
Sociopaths are incapable of taking personal responsibility for anything. Due to the narcissistic side of their personality, they cannot cope with shame so they instead shift this onto those that surround them. Therapist Dr. Elinor Greenberg advises, “If you do not want to spend the rest of your life helping to manage your mate’s self-esteem at your own expense, you should probably seriously consider leaving this relationship.”
4. Rigging The Game
In a normal, healthy relationship both partners should feel encouraged to achieve their best. Seeing our loved ones do well brings us a lot of joy. However, for sociopaths, they see another person’s success as a personal attack on their own fragile self-perception. The better you do – the more their ego is bruised.
To avoid these uncomfortable feelings, a sociopath will then start “rigging the game” and the odds will not be in your favour. One typical sociopath trick is they will allow you to plan something nice for them – a romantic dinner or stay at a luxury hotel – then simply, without warning, cancel at the last minute because “something came up.” This is psychological warfare of the worst kind as you will be left feeling hurt and confused.
Dr. Martha Stout, the author of “The Sociopath Next Door”, warns, “The only truly effective method for dealing with a sociopath you have identified is to disallow him or her from your life altogether. Sociopaths live completely outside of the social contract, and therefore to include them in relationships or other social arrangements is perilous.”
3. Weaponizing Your Vulnerabilities
If you have any insecurities (and let’s face it, we all do) then a sociopath will use this against you. This is part of the devaluation phase where now the sociopath has you hooked on them, they will begin to attack your self-esteem so you’re less likely to walk away from them.
Shahida Arabi, the author of “POWER: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse”, explains, “In the devaluation phase, a narcissist will literally translate your strengths into perceived flaws. Once you were ‘confident and sexy,’ – but now you’re ‘cocky and vain’ (a clear projection of themselves, of course). Before, you were ‘intelligent and driven,’ and now you’re just a ‘know-it-all’ or a ‘smartass.’”
This is emotional abuse and many victims later have to undergo years of counselling to rebuild their self-esteem. If you are in a situation where you are on the receiving end of emotional abuse, keep a record of all communication and show this to a friend you trust; they will give you the encouragement you need to leave the relationship immediately.
2. Triangulation
Sociopaths thrive in a destructive environment and one of the most self-esteem destroying techniques they use is “Triangulation”. This is where they will bring a third person into the relationship dynamic; this can either be a colleague from their workplace or even an ex-partner. All of a sudden, the attention and admiration they once reserved for you, is now projected on to the third person. Also, the sociopath will begin to make comparisons between you and the other person – once again, picking on your own insecurities.
This is a form of emotional abuse that is used to belittle the victim so they have to fight for the love of the sociopath or fear losing them. They want you to feel as if you are easily replaceable. It also rewards the sociopath as they will feel superior which feeds their fragile ego.
If the sociopath is confronted with the situation, then they will revert to the gaslighting technique: “My ex never behaved like this!” or “This is all in your head!”
1. Smear Campaigns
Once a victim is brave enough to leave the relationship, this will most certainly trigger the sociopath to lash out. Their ‘grand finale’ is usually to threaten a “Smear Campaign” against the victim. It is the sociopaths final attempt at trying to control the victim.
The smear campaign could be anything from threatening to reveal intimate details about the relationship to warning the victim they have “damaging evidence” against them. They might even label you a “golddigger”, “alcoholic”, “mentally unstable” or a “cheater”. Many therapists will suggest at this point that you simply do not engage – they will soon enough move on, unfortunately, to the next victim.
Author Peg Streep advises not to let the sociopath taint your whole view of the world. She writes, “Being the object of a smear campaign by someone you chose to be with raises other, often complicated, thoughts and emotions. One of the hardest things is to try not to generalize from the experience; it’s easy to make the leap from ‘one man’ to ‘all men,’ but it’s important that you recognize the specificity. This is one specific person who is doing to this to you; don’t let it color your view of the world.”
There is a much better life to be had after a relationship with a sociopath. According to recent figures, less than 1% of the world’s population is a sociopath; so remember, there are more good people in the world than bad.
